What makes a good mother?

Recently B1 and I were talking about mommy bloggers. I don't know how we got on the subject, but I started telling B1 about a blog post I read recently where the author talked about her fascination with "Mormon mommy blogs." At one point, she said, "Of course, the larger question is, are these women's lives really as sweet and simple as they appear? Blogs have always been a way to mediate and prettify your own life; you'd be a fool to compare your real self to someone else's carefully arranged surface self." I was talking to B1 about my two contrasting dilemmas in this blog: first, I try to focus on what's positive and uplifting, because frankly I become a basketcase if all I do is focus on the negative, but second, I also try to not be fake about my life. I don't try to claim that we have it all or that we're happy all the time. But, I guess it could maybe appear that way since I do try to keep my posts as positive as possible. Maybe that's because some days I need to see pictures of my kids at times they were happy to remember why I love them...but I digress. :)

So, anyway, today's post is going to be a little less than we-have-the-perfect-life type of post. I'd also like to invite comments, because I'm really curious what others out there have to say on this subject. My post is titled, "What makes a good mother?" I ask this question because it's a question I ask myself at least 5 days a week, usually after I have an irrational blow up at my 4-year-old or I just can't face the thought of making one more meal or folding one more shirt. So, what is it that makes a good mother? It's an important question. President David O. McKay said, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home." (secondary source) The Family: A Proclamation to the World states,

Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations....Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children...We warn that individuals who ... fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

Wow...quite the expectations of what we as mothers are supposed to do, and such consequences if we fail!

Ultimately, this question stems from a fear lurking in the back of my mind that I'm just not a good mother. Thankfully, that nagging voice of "You're not good enough" is a little quieter today than other days, but yet it's still there. Why am I not good enough? Here are some of the questions I think about frequently that lead me to think I'm a bad mother.

1.) Are my standards too high? Am I expecting too much of my children? For example, is it normal for a child who's been potty trained for almost two years to go a week straight of peeing in his bed at night, and for the same child to still be almost incapable of pooping in the toilet without my making him sit down on the toilet first? If my expectations are too high, where's some reliable information about what I should reasonably expect, or is it case-by-case (er...child-by-child)?
2.) How do I keep my children busy during the day without a backyard and without TV? I still work at home, so I can't just spend all day at the park with them.
3.) How do I stop myself from becoming so annoyed at everything that one child does while the other child seems incapable of doing anything wrong? (I think this goes back to question 1--I think my expectations are too high for one child and more realistic for the other. Oh, and I am being slightly dichotomous -- it's not really that bad.)
4.) How can I learn to let go of perfection? That's probably not the right wording. Anyone who comes to my house can easily see it's not perfect. It's never super clean, and I'm okay with that--as long as I'm the one who messes it up. If my kids leave their toys around, it drives me nuts, even though my carpet hasn't been vacuumed all week and my laundry room is nearly piled ceiling-high with clothes from the dryer...that came out of the dryer three days ago. Perhaps it's the degree of uncleanliness that children bring. My laundry room may be messy, but it's the maple syrup on the floor that wouldn't have been there if the kids were more careful. I mean, really, D is almost two! (Just kidding--I don't really expect him not to spill food. I'm just saying it would be nice.)
5.) When do you stop being paranoid? I am absolutely terrified of something bad happening to my kids. Not like falling off the bike bad, but like getting killed by some creepy neighbor bad. The linked case about Destiny Norton happened right after B2 was born. I remember holding him in my rocking chair and watching the story unfold, and bawling my eyes out feeling like I couldn't protect him. In many ways I never lost that feeling. If B2 goes around a clothing rack at the store or hides behind a car in the parking lot and I can't see him, I panic. I'll yell his name, run around frantically, and, in some cases, start crying helplessly. I know at some point that I have to let him grow up and gain some independence, but I'm just so terrified of all the horrible people out there that I just don't know that I'll be able to do it. I really hope this is something that gets easier as your kid gets older, and maybe my fears are justified given my kids' ages.

I guess this idea of me being a bad mom just bothers me more now than before because now I have no excuse. Six months ago I could easily blame my messy house or short fuse on my crazy schedule. I was spending 11 hours a day away from home and only 2 hours a day with my kids. Saturdays were jammed pack with errands that didn't get done with the week, so of course it would be a frustrating day. Some days I was doing it all alone while B1 flew all over the country. I felt justified in how life was, because I simply didn't have enough energy to change it or even to care. But, now that I'm staying at home, I feel like it ought to be better. I'm now a housewife/mother first, independent HR Consultant second. And yet my house is just as messy, my fuse is just as short, and my kids probably spend more time in front of the TV than ever before. What am I doing wrong??

I'm sure there's tons of research out there, but frankly I don't care what the world thinks about motherhood because they've got so much screwed up already. Instead, I want to know what the readers of this blog think. What makes a good mother?

Thankfully, I had a live-in example--my own mom. But, on the other hand, my mom was already a great mother--at least, by the time I was old enough to notice. Maybe she struggled at first too. I'm sure my brothers gave her even more grief than my kids have given me...yet. But, here are some things that I learned from my mom:

1.) Make your kids help you do stuff, even if it takes longer. My mom always forced me to help her make dinner. Sometimes I would grumble (silently, because I'd get busted if I said it out loud) that I always had to do the work while my siblings sat around and watched TV. Now, I'm grateful because I knew how to make some of my mom's best dishes. (Oh, and Mom, in case I forget again, next time you're up I want you to teach me how to make your fried rice!) This is something that I do try to do with my kids. Well, mainly B2 because D is still too small. B2 helps me make cookies (though it's a serious test of my patience because he'll spill flour on the floor or spill some of my perfectly measured vanilla on the counter top), and when I fold laundry B2 helps by pulling out the socks and underwear--he calls it a treasure hunt.
2.) Don't lie to your kids. My mom never told us less than what she was thinking, no matter how much I wanted her to. Sometimes, you just wish your mom would say what you want to hear, but I realize how much she would have been short-changing me to do that. So far, I think I do this alright.
3.) Continue to improve yourself. My mom was always taking some time for herself. She played softball, read, and took computer classes. I know that I get my love of learning from her (and from my dad too--he's also amazing, but sorry Pops--this is a post about moms.)
4.) Let your kids fix their own messes. I expect this is probably a continual thing--as they get older, they fix bigger and bigger messes. But there were times that my parents didn't bail us out, and instead made us fix the mistake. I remember watching my older brother patch up a hole in the wall after his foot went through it. If I remember correctly, he was made about losing in a Nintendo game, slipped on a magazine, and WHAM! Anyway, random story, but ha ha!
5.) Don't compromise on important issues. For me growing up, it was modesty. For my brothers, my dad taught the importance of how you treat women, even the obnoxious younger ones who happened to be related to you.

So, I guess the point of this post is twofold--first, for me to get it off my chest that I often feel like a horrible mother, and that I fear that my kids would be better off if they were in another home (though the thought of losing my kids makes it hard to breathe). Second, to ask some opinions of what makes a great mother. What is it that your mothers did that you try (or tried) to implement? For those that are mothers, what do you do that makes you think, if only for a second, "Hey, I might not be such a bad mom after all?" What is it about your children that make you feel like a successful mother? For example, B2's love of books means I did something right. We read to him a lot as a child, and he still loves being read to. I'm excited about him learning to read and hope his love of reading will continue. And some days, it's something as simple as D's big hugs or B2 saying "I love you Mom" that makes me think, if nothing else, I must be doing something right.

Okay....ready? Go and comment!