Tender mercies

I started getting really stressed tonight about having people over for games (house not cleaned, desserts not made yet, etc.); since stress is one of my triggers for PPD episodes, I canceled game night and did a movie/popcorn night with my babies. After prayers, B2 said, "Mom, it's kinda funny. Earlier you were so mad at us, and now you're so nice." I'm glad I followed through on canceling game night so I could have this time with my kids.

PPD

You know those times when you're scrolling through Facebook, and you see an image or a message or a video, and it's like someone might as well have tagged you and said they were posting it for you. Well, that happened to me the other day when I saw this.

[Source]

Hi, my name is Sandy, and I have Postpartum Depression.

Phew. That was hard.

I first saw my doctor back in May, when E was only 2.5 months old. As I described what I had been feeling, and some experiences that frankly had scared me, she said it sure sounded like PPD, but I still clung on to the hope that I was "normal." I got a prescription for an antidepressant, but didn't fill it. Instead, I kept battling, thinking that if I just tried to do X, Y, or Z, that I'd be fine, and it would go away on its own and I'd be back to myself.

A month later, and I wasn't better. I was getting worse, and I was getting more desperate. I filled the prescription, but still didn't take it. Why? Oh, a million reasons. I was worried that the thoughts I was already having about hurting myself would turn into full-blown suicidal attempts (or completion), and that terrified me. I was afraid of the stigma (entirely, and falsely, perceived in my own mind, and not an actual stigma laid upon me by anyone else) of being "mentally ill." I was afraid to admit that I couldn't control my emotions, that I was so "weak" as to need a pill to make me happy. And so on. Yes, my reasons were stupid. As someone with a Masters degree in Psychology, I should know better. I should know that the only "stigma" associated with mental illness comes from ignorant people, not smart people. I should know that medication truly can help. I should know that having PPD is no different than having cancer, or the flu. But for some reason I was holding myself to a different standard, and I was miserable.

Finally, last week, I couldn't take it anymore. I was having depressive episodes several times a week, I was having a very hard time going to church, and on my "happy" days I felt like I couldn't catch up from how little I was able to do on my bad days. And, now, I can even see how much it was hurting my family. My kids were grumpy, my husband was stressed--it was just too much. I took the pill. I've been taking the antidepressant for a week now. Yes, it's probably a little early to know just how well it will work, and how many side effects I'll see, but it truly has made a difference. My husband isn't afraid to open the door, wondering which version of his wife he'll see--the normal, happy one, or the barely functioning one, crying in the bedroom while the kids run amok in the rest of the house. I had the first happy Sunday I've had in a long time. I can make it through my whole day, including dinners where the kids don't like what I've cooked and the bedtime routine (and associated hundreds of repetitions of "Go to bed!") with a smile still on my face. For the first time in months, I'm actually convinced I'll beat this, rather than dreading that I won't. I'm able to smile every day, and mean it.

I'm not trying to argue that antidepressants are for everyone. I'm not 100% sure that I'll continue to not have side effects, or that I'll never have another bad day. But, I do know this: I have PPD. As I've seen the outpouring of love from my neighbors and family, I've also realized that the "stigma" was entirely in my head. No one looks down on me for needing these meds--it's okay to get medical help for medical problems. As Elder Holland said, "If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation." [source] This talk was one that I felt did not apply to me at the time it was given, but was extremely comforting in the days before I finally agreed to take the medication.

So, there you have it. I'm talking about my PPD. I hope that this will help someone gain the courage to talk about her PPD, or get the help she needs.

Facebook status turned blog post

"When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks..." -- Neal A Maxwell [source]

I shared this devotional on Facebook few days ago, but I was listening to it again tonight, and this part really hit me. Sometimes I get really down on myself, thinking about all the awful things I do, the mistakes I've made, and the many things "everyone" does better than me. Some days all I can see are the negatives in myself, and I wonder why my husband still loves me, and why my kids can still smile when they see me, thinking that if they just saw the ugliness that I saw, they'd go running.

I post this not to garner sympathy, or to be fishing for compliments or reassurances that I'm not the awful person I sometimes see in the mirror. I post this for two reasons: first, to let others know who may be experiences similar feelings that you are not alone; and second, to remind us all that we were placed us here to succeed! Our Heavenly Father is giving us tasks, and challenges, and trials that He knows we are able to overcome. He knows our capacity; he knows our strengths, and our weaknesses, and what will help us grow. He does not give us challenges that will cripple us (spiritually speaking) -- He gives us challenges that will elevate us to great heights. And when you feel that you have been weighed and found wanting, do not be discouraged. It's not just you. You're not the only one who feels this way! You are not alone!

To borrow a few more words from another wise fellow, Jeffrey R Holland:

"The next time you are tempted to paint your self-portrait dismal gray, highlighted with lackluster beige, just remember that in like manner have this kingdom’s most splendid men and women been tempted. I say to you as Joshua said to the tribes of Israel as they faced one of their most difficult tasks, 'Sanctify yourselves: for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you' (Joshua 3:5)" [source; seriously, go read this whole speech. And then read it again. And again.]

Have faith. You are up to this. You can tackle this. You are equal to this. Put your faith in God, and watch the wonders occur around you. Don't believe me?

"If your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine... Hope on. Journey on...

[A]ll things are possible to them that believe." [source; yeah, read this one too]

2011 Goals: Final Review

I know the year isn't quite over yet, but I wanted to give a final account of how I did on my goals this year.

• Goal 1: Complete P90X - hit it! This goal was completed May 14th.
• Goal 2: Run a half marathon - did it! This goal was completed June 11th.
• Goal 3: Get to 135 pounds - failed. I got so close! At one point in May I was 136.1. We went off birth control at the beginning of May, and I was assuming I would be pregnant by June, so I gave up trying. That didn't quite happen according to schedule, but I never did hit this goal. I officially gave up in early October when I found out that I was pregnant, and knew weight loss would not be in my near future.
• Goal 4: Finish the Old Testament - failed. I was on track until I got pregnant. The morning sickness was terrible, and reading fell by the wayside. I know, it's probably an excuse. I am almost done with Isaiah, so I still have a fair amount to go. I am rolling this goal over to 2012.
• Goal 5: Read 12 books, with at least 6 being non-fiction - hit it! I finished my last books this month, and ended with a total of 13 books this year: 7 non-fiction, 6 fiction. I found the non-fiction to be a pleasant stretch for me. Next year I have a much loftier reading goal, as far as numbers go.

So, overall, I did fairly well. I hit 3 of my 5 goals, and got pretty close on the other 2. I really liked having measurable goals this year, and I feel like I stretched myself further by doing this. I am working on my 2012 goals now, and will have those posted soon. Some of these are quite lofty, so I'm trying to make sure I'm not taking on too much.

Now, onto my resolutions...

• Resolution 1: Build an unbreakable habit of scripture study and prayer. I was doing really well with the scripture study, due to my goal above. However, that's a habit I will need to re-establish in the new year with my new scripture goals. As for prayer...well, I'm still really lousy with that.
• Resolution 2: Cultivate friendships. I feel like I have done really well with this. A large part has been me quitting my job, which allows me to attend play groups weekly. Just this regular contact with some of the women in our condos has allowed me to feel more involved. Plus, I've tried harder to initiate activities such as game nights and parties.
• Resolution 3: Love being a mom. This will definitely be an on-going resolution, as every day presents new challenges. I really felt like a great mom in the summer--we'd go to the park a lot, or head to waterparks or Trafalga. Well, then school started, and the weather turned cold, and now it's back to a whole lot of TV time. Not to mention that trying to fit in my part-time job has made it a little difficult. I absolutely love being a stay-at-home mom...most of the time. Sometimes I feel like my kids would be better off at a babysitter's house, because I fear that I'm too harsh and I yell too much (okay, I don't fear the yelling part--I KNOW I yell too much). Patience is definitely not a virtue I have right now. So, while I love being a mom (and I'd better, because we are adding another child to the mix), I think I have a lot of growing to do to become a better mom.

Never?

When I was a kid I wanted to be a doctor. I don't remember any specific reason why, other than it seemed the only choices in life were to be a doctor or a lawyer, and doctors made more money and had more prestige (few people ever say in joyous surprise, "Oh, you're a lawyer?" unless that's followed by a request for free legal services). Then I realized that the sight of blood made my stomach turn. And, since I believed that the only type of doctor worth being was a surgeon, I decided I could no longer be a doctor.

When I was an older kid, I wanted to be a lawyer. After all, the only two choices in life were to be a doctor or a lawyer, and I had already ruled out doctor. Besides, my dad is a lawyer, and other than working really long hours it seemed to be a good job. He told funny stories about the crazy things people sued for, and their audacity in thinking that a jury would actually award them money. The other lawyers in the firm seemed like good people, so I figured this could be a good job. Then, when I was 15, I worked in my dad's law firm one summer, and I realized that being a lawyer wasn't all dramatic court scenes and the glory of saving your client tons of money--it was a lot of paperwork, writing boring letters, and dealing with bottom-of-the-barrel loser lawyers who barely graduated correspondence law school, failed the Bar Exam countless times, and now were taking frivolous cases to court since that's how they made their money. And, I decided that law wasn't for me.

When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a psychologist. And not just any psychologist, but one who helped rape victims recover from their traumatic experiences. I researched it, and knew that I had to be a Ph.D, and that was fine with me. I also knew that I could make a good living with this career path, but really the appeal was in helping someone overcome what would hopefully be the worst thing that would ever happen to them, and return to a normal state of being. I had it all planned: I would take AP classes and college courses while in high school, graduate from BYU with my Bachelor's degree, go on an LDS mission, finish my Ph.D, get married at 30, and have a glorious career. Maybe kids would be in the mix, but not until I had at least practiced a few years to build up a clientele that would allow me to work from home.

When I was 19 (a week before my 20th birthday) I met the man who would soon become my husband. As things progressed, I realized my life plan was splitting. I could either take Path A that I had planned in high school, or Path B--get married to a pilot who would take me to live who knows where. So, I took the safe course--Path C. Path C meant start with a Master's program. If Path B turns out to be a dead end, I could skip the Master's program, go on a mission, and resume Path A. If Path B worked out, I could do the Master's degree, and finish the Ph.D. wherever hubby's job sent us, and then pick up Path A with the career.

Path B ended up not going where I wanted it to go. I had assumed the job would start sooner than it did and that we would have time to travel a bit before the kids came. Instead, I finished my Master's degree, started working in a completely unrelated field, and we started our family. We bought a condo that we now can't seem to sell, we're living in a state that my husband promised me while dating that we would not live in, and I so desperately want the dream house that it seems everyone our age is getting.

Yes, life did not work out in just about any way I had planned. On the bright side, I have a wonderful husband 10 years earlier than expected, two wonderful (most days) boys that make me laugh on a regular basis, a condo we can afford that's not ghetto (that could definitely be worse!!!), and wonderful neighbors. I finally get to be a stay at home mom to my boys. But, sometimes I spend too much time on Pinterest or Facebook and see what I still wish I could have: the nice, attractively decorated house with a basement for my food storage and a back yard for my boys; pictures of the thousands of places I want to visit; and so on. Today is a day that requires a lot of extra effort to not covet what I don't have (and, in some cases, never will), but instead be grateful for what I do. After all, I thought I knew what I wanted 10, 15, and 20 years ago, but look how wrong I was...

No Doubt About It

Today I finished my 5th book of the year, and my 2nd nonfiction book--No Doubt About It by Sheri Dew. Wow! This was an amazing book. Over and over I kept thinking there was a reason this sat on my shelf for so long--I really needed to read it now. Over and over again, I kept thinking, "This is great! I really need to apply this." I wanted to blog quickly on some stuff she said in the last chapter:

"How often have all of us made judgments that are...unfair? Why can't we resist the urge to second-guess and evaluate each other? Why do we judge everything from the way we keep house to how many children we do or do not have? Sometimes I wonder if the final judgment will be a breeze compared with what we've put each other through here on earth!

"...When we fail to champion one another, we in essence betray each other.

"...What if we were to each decide that from this time forward we would make just one assumption about each other--that we are doing the best we can? And what if we were to try a little harder to help each other?" (pg 225-228, emphasis added)

This is a new challenge for me. I'm pretty good about not judging people in a lot of areas. If anything, I'm harsher on myself than I think I am on others, except when it comes to certain categories. I don't want to list them just because I don't want anyone to worry that I've been judging them. Clearly, it's my problem, not theirs. But, I'm posting about this because I want the help of my friends and family members. If you hear me saying things like, "Why is she doing...?" (in a judging way and not as a means of gathering more information) or "I can't believe someone in her shoes would actually..." then I want you to smack me. Meanwhile, I'll try to keep all negative thoughts out of my head, including all the ones that sound like, "I wish I had her hair" or "Why is her son better behaved than mine?" or "Why can't I make my house as cute as her house?" I'll also try to be a little nicer, a little more concerned about others, and a little less (rather, a lot less) envious of the wonderful people that surround me.

I love P90X

Okay, not every day, but today I'm loving it! This morning I decided to measure again to see if P90X has had an effect. I'm still battling with these last 5 pounds--this morning I weighed in just over 140 again. Though, to be truthful, I wouldn't be battling these pounds if I stopped buying Doritos and making cookies and s'more treats and all kinds of other goodies. I guess I'm battling less with the 5 pounds than I am with my own self-control, or lack thereof. But back to my brag moment. When I measured this morning, I found that I have lost 5/8" on my arms, 1/2" in my "love handles", and 1/2" in my thighs. Sweet!!!

OK, Tony, I'll stop cursing your name now...

An insane update

Wow, this week seems like it's been the busiest week ever, and that's saying something for me!! Let's review.

Tuesday was my last day working at CP--sadness!! I'm glad that I am able to keep working with CP now as an independent contractor, because otherwise I would seriously have been bawling all day. Yes, I am a crybaby, especially when it comes to big changes. Tuesday was a super busy day at work, too, which in some ways made it easier and in other ways made it harder.

Wednesday was my first official day as a stay-at-home mom! Let's just say it didn't go exactly as planned... So, my alarm went off at 6:30 so I could start P90X. Did I get up? NO! I instead battled with getting up and going back to sleep, dozing in and out of sleep, for the next hour. At 7:30, I woke up and started working. About 8:45 I remembered that B2 had preschool on Wednesdays, so I tried to hurry and feed him and get him ready for preschool. We were a few minutes late. :-\ Immediately after preschool, I came home, got myself cleaned up, and went to a visiting teaching appointment. After that was over, I came home again and tried to do some more work. At 11:15 I left to pick B2 up at preschool. We came home, had lunch, and I piled the kids back in the car to go to my in-law's house. I left the kids there and went to my hair appointment. When that was done, I picked up the kids, went home, made pizza dough, and finished my work for the day. While I was working, I got a phone call from my dad saying that my grandma passed away Tuesday night. My grandma has been really sick my whole life, and honestly we're all surprised that she lived as long as she did. She will definitely be missed. Once I was done with work, I threw everything I needed for pizza into the car, packed up the kids and the husband, and went back to my in-law's house. We started making pizza and my parents and siblings showed up. We ate, then watched the BYU vs. SDSU basketball game. It was great watching the Cougs beat SDSU!! Go Cougars! After the game, we packed everything up again, drove home, and put the kids (and adults!) to bed (late).

Thursday morning I woke up (I didn't do P90X because my brother J stayed the night and was sleeping in our front room), did some work, made breakfast for the family, got the kids ready, and...um...I forget. That day is mostly a blur. My parents were in town, so I know we did some stuff with them, but honestly I don't remember any details. Thursday night we drove up to Salt Lake to attend my sister's (final) volleyball banquet. She won the Coach's Award, which is given out by the head coach. I was so proud of her! But, of course, she totally deserved it. :) And, once again, the kiddos got to stay up late as we didn't get home from the banquet until close to 10:00.

Friday morning I woke up, did some more work, got the kids ready, took B2 to preschool, did some more work, and picked B2 up from preschool. I then went shopping with my parents to a place in Salt Lake called NPS Freight. It's a store that sells grocery items that are largely expired (but only recently) and some other stuff. I've heard people rant and rave about this store, but frankly I wasn't that impressed. After we went to NPS, we grabbed some lunch, and then went home. I stopped by Walmart and grabbed Despicable Me from Redbox. We watched the movie that night, and I put the boys to bed. I had decided a while ago that once I stopped working I would try to get B2 through the night without Pull-Ups, so we put him to bed in under. On the way up to the Salt Lake Airport to pick up my brother, who flew in for the memorial service for my grandma, I dropped off Despicable Me. When I got home, I woke B2 up to try and go potty, and then went to bed...late again.

Yesterday, I slept in! After this week, I was completely exhausted, and as I didn't have any work to do I decided not to get out of bed until 9:30. I then frantically tried to get the kids ready and we drove up to Salt Lake for my grandma's memorial service. After it was over, we stayed at the church for a luncheon, cleaned up, and went around the corner to my aunt's house. We watched the BYU vs. NM basketball game, and was heartbroken to see my Cougs lose. After the game, my aunts, uncle, and cousins went through Grandma's things and picked out some mementos. I got some awesome stuff that I'm going to put into a shadow box, and a few items I'll use. We put the kids to bed, and B1 and I actually crawled into bed around 9:00 p.m! Go us! I watched some M*A*S*H trying to stay awake for a bit so I could wake up B2 to go potty, but fell asleep and woke up at 2:00 a.m. B2 was still dry--two days in a row! I was so proud of him!

Wow, what a week! Add on top of all that my day-to-day crap like doing dishes and washing 4,000 loads of laundry, and it was quite a week! Hopefully this next week will be more calm. I'm planning to start P90X tomorrow, as well as a cleaning routine I've set up. I'll update this next week on how I'm doing on P90X.

Goals Update

Okay, so I thought I'd update everyone on how my goals are going. Yes, I know it's only halfway through January, but I'm pumped about knocking these suckers out!

Goal 1 - Finish P90X. I haven't started this yet, but as planned. I will be starting P90X in two weeks, so be prepared for the swear words that will be coming from that post...

Goal 2 - Half Marathon. I also haven't started this, as planned. I intend to start my training about the time I finish P90X, if not sooner.

Goal 3 - Lose 10 pounds. I'm doing really good on this! Okay, so I've pretty much been sucking the past few days. I got down to 138.7 by Wednesday this last week, and then went on our quarterly managers retreat. On the bright side, I think I kept my weight loss to the smallest amount ever on these retreats, but I did gain 1.3 pounds. I weighed in this morning at 140, so I am just a little way past the halfway point. If I stay motivated, I think I can hit this goal by the end of January. At that point, I just need to keep it down until we (hopefully) go on our cruise in March.

Goal 4 - Finish the Old Testament. I haven't picked up on that yet. I'm still working on finishing the Book of Mormon, and will start this goal at that point.

Goal 5 - Read 12 books, with at least 6 being non-fiction. I have started this goal. I'm currently reading Wizard's First Rule, which is obviously a fiction (fantasy) book. I want to have this finished by January 25th so I can return it to my coworker. My next read is a non-fiction book, Boys Should Be Boys.

Resolution 1 - Build an unbreakable habit of prayer and scripture study. I am doing much better on my scripture study, but not so great (okay, honestly, no improvement at all) on prayer.

Resolution 2 - Cultivate friendships. I really hope those in my ward didn't take my initial post as a pity-party or fishing for friendships, but regardless of their inference on my intent, I feel like more of an effort has been made by the women in my ward to reach out to me, and I appreciate it!!! I have also been trying to make an effort to accept those invitations and be someone that others would want to be around. Tonight I went to a girls night out with about 15 other women, and had a BLAST!!! It was such a good time, and I look forward to the next one.

Resolution 3 - Love being a mom. While I haven't yet gained any insight on how to keep my kids occupied all day (especially when it's cold outside and we can't play at parks or go swimming), I am seriously loving being around my kids and anxious for the time that I can spend all day long with them! Only another week and a half left!

D is giggling in the dark while I'm typing this. Silly kid. I should probably turn off the computer so he can sleep...

#Reverb10

So, last year I did the #Best09 Challenge, where each day I had to answer the prompted question. I really enjoyed it, and wanted to do it again this year. This year it's called the #reverb10. So, I'm a little late getting started (I was supposed to start Dec 1), but better late than never, right? So, let me get caught up.

December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
For me, I think the best word is BUSY! This year has been busy, busy, busy. B1 has been flying like crazy, we've been working our tails off to get out of debt, I'm still working full-time, my sister finished her senior year of volleyball (so of course we were at every game), and so on. Next year, I want my word to be contentment. I will be making a major change, going from working full-time to being a stay-at-home mom. By the end of the year, I'm hoping to get some type of routine down and I'm hoping to LOVE being a mom.

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
Life keeps me from writing a lot. I'm sure I could spend more time writing, but then I'd spend less time with my kids or hubby. So, I'm not planning on making that change any time soon.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).
Maybe this is cheating to pick a moment so recent, but last night was my company Christmas party. I've never had such fun. We started off with dinner. Then, my boss gave everyone $100 in gold coins and told us to go shopping for an assigned person in the company. The twist? We were playing a game of Assassin (with dart guns we had received from him the week before). So, we had to shop while watching our backs. While in Big 5, I had a fellow employee try to gangsta shoot me (with his gun held sideways) while he used his wife as a sheild. In Costco, I shot a fellow manager square in the back. Outside Costco, I had a dueling war with a different manager as we ran in circles to avoid the other's darts. In Sports Authority, I had a James Bond moment as a I shot at a coworker while running sideways. After the shopping and Assassin were over, we gave and explained our gifts, and watched our Christmas video. This was the first time I had some embarrassing footage in our annual video, and I had a great time laughing at myself while my coworkers teased me. It was just overall a great night.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
Having young children, creating a sense of wonder is easy. All I have to do is sit down and watch or listen to them, and I'm amazed. I'm amazed at how smart B2 is getting. In fact, just today I picked him up from the babysitter's house and he started singing a song about the different kids in his preschool class. He is a sponge, so I'm very lucky to have him in such a great preschool.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
I let go of a very good friend this year. Without too many details, the relationship had grown unhealthy. For a while, I felt very lonely. But, the sacrifice was definitely worth it.

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?
The last thing I made was food--of course. I'm always cooking. I made thumbprint cookies that were rolled in pecans. They were okay. I think I can improve on the recipe. This next year, I want to learn how to edit videos, and start editing our home videos and burning them to DVDs.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
I have, even more so, developed community at my work. Now that we have passed the Christmas party, my resignation is looming near and it makes me sad. I will still be working there as an independent contractor, and will be in the office occasionally, but I will really miss the daily association with all the wonderful people there. In 2011, I really want to make friends in my home ward. Right now I feel like I get along really well with people in my ward, but I don't feel like we're FRIENDS. At best, I feel like we're neighbors. (I really hope this doesn't offend anyone!! Seriously, I know the problem is on my end--there are great people in my ward!) With my working full-time, I've missed out on a lot of opportunities like play groups, hanging out at the pool or parks, and so on. I'm super excited to jump into that as much as I can in a few more weeks.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
This is really hard for me. First, I don't think I'm all that different, and second, I really have no idea what I do that makes people light up. The only thing that really comes to mind is that I love to serve others, and usually anonymously (I don't want to feel like I'm serving for the appreciation, so I like to do it anonymously). Unfortunately, I'm not so gracious about receiving service...

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.
As mentioned previously, last night's Christmas party for my work ROCKED!

December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
I think the wisest decision we made was the preschool we chose for Bw. His teacher is amazing, and he learns so much. He absolutely loves learning. He's learning his letters, and learning to write them. He looks forward to his homework! He sings songs I've never heard that I'm sure he learns at preschool. That was the best decision we made.

December 11 – What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
Wow...what a doozy! Here it goes.

1. Negativity. I have a very nasty habit of being negative, especially about myself. I'll complain about my stretch marks from my pregnancy (or the hundreds of other things wrong with my body, mostly pregnancy-caused or pregnancy-related), my loneliness, my crows feet that are growing around my eyes, my hair that never seems cute, my clothes that never seem flattering, my disobedient kids, my inability to control my temper...I could go on. My life could seriously do without all this negativity. My goal for next year is to curb my negative comments. I want to try to give more service, so I don't think about myself so much. I want to put a little more effort into my appearance. I want to spend less time in front of the TV and computer and spend more time with my kids (I get more frustrated with the kids if they interrupt me while I'm watching TV or working on the computer than almost any other time). I think this can change my life because I will be happier if I'm not focused on the negative so much.

This may seem silly, but that's the only thing I can think of right now. Maybe that's a good sign--my life is mostly going well. I just need to focus on what's right instead of what's wrong. :)

December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
This is kind of a weird question. I don't know that I ever feel like I'm separate from my body. So, my answer is pretty much always.

December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
Oh dear, you're in for it if you start asking me plans. My goals next year are to get back in shape. I want to do this by completing P90X. By that time, it should hopefully be warmer, so I want to start running. I want to run a half marathon by the end of the summer, and hopefully a full marathon next summer. I think I can hit all these goals unless I get pregnant (no plans for that now, but you never know...).

December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
Wow...there's a lot I appreciate. I think the one thing I've come to appreciate the most is living so close to family. We thought we were going to be moving out of state about a month ago, and I was so sad about the possibility of leaving my sisters behind, my brother, my in-laws, my extended family, and so on. So, as much as I hate living in the cold and I tend to complain about the state in which we live, I LOVE being near my family!


December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
B2 loves attention. We took him to Trafalga's and he loved being with his mom and dad and going mini golfing.

D said Mama first. He now gives me hugs and kisses. He's a momma's boy, and I love it. His new thing is he likes to wipe my nose with a tissue. He's so gentle when he does it.

Rinz finished volleyball. I got teary-eyed when the last point was scored. I'm so proud of her. And a little bit jealous, to be honest.

Beez is pregnant. She looked so pretty last night at the Christmas party. I never understood why people say pregnant women glow until I saw her last night.

B1 has been working so hard for our family. He's so excited about finally being the breadwinner. I'm so excited about being the happy little housewife.

B2 and D love their grandparents so much. I'm lucky they have one set who lives close and one set that visits often.

E and K finally got their baby. O is the most beautiful little baby. You can see in K's eye how much O means to her. I've never seen E prouder.

CP has been so good to me. I'm going to miss being there every day. I need to find more people I can refer to work there--anyone who doesn't work there is missing out.

What are you thankful for?

Lately I've felt the need to express more gratitude, so here's a shot at listing some of the many things for which I am grateful (in no particular order):

1.  My parents - they taught me, often without me ever realizing that they were teaching me, not to drink or smoke, to value virtue and integrity, to be a hard worker, and to never settle for less than my best. They raised me in the gospel so I didn't have to struggle with questions of "Is there a God?" and "Why am I here?" -- I knew the answers before I knew to ask the questions. They worked hard so I could play sports, go to Girls Camp, have a dog, go to college, and have my dream wedding. They dote on my children, and make me feel like their favorite (though, deep down, I know we're all their favorites, but I'll never admit that out loud).
2. My husband. I don't have words to really describe this well, but I'll do my best. B1 is an amazing person. He loves me when I'm pregnant, with stretch marks and a Ding Dong in each hand. He loves me when I'm cranky, and loves me when I'm fed up with our kids. He lets me travel to see my parents whenever I want, and doesn't complain when I put my sister's volleyball team ahead of everything else in life. He cleans our house on his day off so I don't have to do it on my day off. I couldn't ask for a better man to spend eternity with.
3. The LDS temples - though I don't go as often as I should, every time I do go I'm reminded of why it's so awesome to be LDS. Everything about our religion just makes sense, and the temple is the cherry on top. It's the only place you can go where you can instantly feel at peace, where you forget you are serving others, and where there are no comparisons about who is pretty, richer, smarter, or anything else. Plus, it's a great way to get answers to prayers that you just can't anywhere else.
4. Baskin Robbins Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, because everything is right with the world when you're eating a pint of that in bed watching TV. At least, until the spoon scraps the bottom.
5. Dave Ramsey - with his plan, we went from being over $25,000 in debt and us not being able to afford having me stay at home with our kids, to being debt free (except our house), feeling like we got a huge pay raise, and my resignation notice in so that starting in late January 2011, I get to finally be a SAHM mom!
6. My job - 5 1/2 years ago, I was unemployed and desperate. A friend of mine got me an interview at CP, and after some begging and pleading I was offered a job. On my first day, this friend quit. I almost walked out as well, but stayed, and I am so glad I did! I've had the best time at CP that I've had at any job. The people are amazing, and I have learned so much about business, management, and dealing with people. The only thing that could pull me away from CP is my kids.
7. My kids - I know I've had some hard times with my kids (most especially every day from June 2009 to May 2010 with B2--age three sucked!!), but coming home at the end of the day, seeing B2 run up to me while screaming, "MOMMY!" and then giving me a big hug, and watching D's face light up when he sees me just melts my heart. No matter how many things I do wrong, they forgive me and I'm still (as B2 often says) their best friend.
8. Prayer, especially B2's prayers. B2 is now saying his prayers mostly by himself, and I love it! I love listening to him literally telling his Heavenly Father about his day, and I love hearing him spend so much time praying for others. It helps me understand more why we are commanded to become like little children.
9. Extended family. Recently, B1's company announced that they were going to be reducing their airport staff in Salt Lake, as well as a few other airports, and moving those pilots to either Houston or Minneapolis. We were devastated at the idea of being forced to move away from so much family (within about an hour's drive, I have 3 of my 4 siblings, B1's parents, his sister, my grandpa's wife, my grandma, and a large number of B1's and my cousins, aunts, and uncles). Thankfully, we later found out that they decided instead to make the move voluntary, so we will be staying in Salt Lake a little longer. While I appreciated having family so close before this happened, I'm even more grateful now.
10. My sisters, Beez and Rinz. Beez and I have been working together for the last two years, and it's been great to see her all the time. Beez and I didn't really get along too well as kids (I think it was largely our ages, but I was also a nerd while Beez was more outgoing), but we get along great now. It has also been a blast cheering Rinz on at her volleyball games (and trying to be cool by association with all her fun teammates), and hanging out with her whenever we can in the off season. Plus, both Rinz and Beez married awesome husbands, which just makes life that much better. They babysit my kids, and they drive (in their words) "all the way out there" to our house to hang out, which I know can be time consuming. So, basically, they're awesome, and I feel lucky to be their sister.
11. My many nieces' and nephews' birth mothers, who sacrificed so much so that my sisters-in-law can have babies of their own. I hope you understand what an amazing gift you have given not only to them, but to the many extended family members who love them so much too.

I know there's so much more. I could start listing each person in my family and extended family, but I'm not sure anyone wants to read that. Plus, wherever I stop, someone will be left out and I don't want to make that person (or people) feel bad. So, this is by no means an exhaustive list, and I'll try to express my gratitude more often.

Amazing video

I got an email with a link to this video nearly two years ago, but never watched it. At the time I received it, I didn't have time to watch it immediately, so it's sat in my inbox ever since then. I just watched it, and it's exactly what I needed right now. I hope you enjoy it.