Regarding his fishing trip with Grandpa White this summer, B2 said:
"Fishing was a lot of fun. Too bad we only caught seaweed."
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
PPD
You know those times when you're scrolling through Facebook, and you see an image or a message or a video, and it's like someone might as well have tagged you and said they were posting it for you. Well, that happened to me the other day when I saw this.
[Source]
Hi, my name is Sandy, and I have Postpartum Depression.
Phew. That was hard.
I first saw my doctor back in May, when E was only 2.5 months old. As I described what I had been feeling, and some experiences that frankly had scared me, she said it sure sounded like PPD, but I still clung on to the hope that I was "normal." I got a prescription for an antidepressant, but didn't fill it. Instead, I kept battling, thinking that if I just tried to do X, Y, or Z, that I'd be fine, and it would go away on its own and I'd be back to myself.
A month later, and I wasn't better. I was getting worse, and I was getting more desperate. I filled the prescription, but still didn't take it. Why? Oh, a million reasons. I was worried that the thoughts I was already having about hurting myself would turn into full-blown suicidal attempts (or completion), and that terrified me. I was afraid of the stigma (entirely, and falsely, perceived in my own mind, and not an actual stigma laid upon me by anyone else) of being "mentally ill." I was afraid to admit that I couldn't control my emotions, that I was so "weak" as to need a pill to make me happy. And so on. Yes, my reasons were stupid. As someone with a Masters degree in Psychology, I should know better. I should know that the only "stigma" associated with mental illness comes from ignorant people, not smart people. I should know that medication truly can help. I should know that having PPD is no different than having cancer, or the flu. But for some reason I was holding myself to a different standard, and I was miserable.
Finally, last week, I couldn't take it anymore. I was having depressive episodes several times a week, I was having a very hard time going to church, and on my "happy" days I felt like I couldn't catch up from how little I was able to do on my bad days. And, now, I can even see how much it was hurting my family. My kids were grumpy, my husband was stressed--it was just too much. I took the pill. I've been taking the antidepressant for a week now. Yes, it's probably a little early to know just how well it will work, and how many side effects I'll see, but it truly has made a difference. My husband isn't afraid to open the door, wondering which version of his wife he'll see--the normal, happy one, or the barely functioning one, crying in the bedroom while the kids run amok in the rest of the house. I had the first happy Sunday I've had in a long time. I can make it through my whole day, including dinners where the kids don't like what I've cooked and the bedtime routine (and associated hundreds of repetitions of "Go to bed!") with a smile still on my face. For the first time in months, I'm actually convinced I'll beat this, rather than dreading that I won't. I'm able to smile every day, and mean it.
I'm not trying to argue that antidepressants are for everyone. I'm not 100% sure that I'll continue to not have side effects, or that I'll never have another bad day. But, I do know this: I have PPD. As I've seen the outpouring of love from my neighbors and family, I've also realized that the "stigma" was entirely in my head. No one looks down on me for needing these meds--it's okay to get medical help for medical problems. As Elder Holland said, "If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation." [source] This talk was one that I felt did not apply to me at the time it was given, but was extremely comforting in the days before I finally agreed to take the medication.
So, there you have it. I'm talking about my PPD. I hope that this will help someone gain the courage to talk about her PPD, or get the help she needs.
Saturday, September 6, 2014
Positive Thinking
I was challenged on Facebook by my mom to write 3 positives per day
for 5 days. I completed it, and I wanted to record it here as well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 1st
1.) I've been in bed all day with a super awesome cold, and B2 fed D and A both lunch and dinner, and kept an eye on E while I did as little as possible.
2.) My mommy is still here, cancer-free, nearly 9 years after her initial breast cancer diagnosis.
3.) It's September 1st, which means it's almost my birthday! Woo hoo!
September 2nd
1.) B1 came home tonight, and has the next two days off! After a 4-day trip last week, and a two-day this week (combined with me being sick), it'll be so nice to have him home!
2.) I got to go shopping today at Costco with only two children in tow. I didn't hear on every aisle, "Can we buy these chips? Can we buy these cookies? Do we need watermelon? Can I have some gum?" This was almost me: http://www.scarymommy.com/back-school-video/
3.) I'm still on track to earn my Young Women medallion this year. I got a little sidetracked by E being born, but I look forward to joining my beautiful Young Women at the medallion dinner in February.
September 3rd
1.) Had another testament to the fact that God answers our prayers, even the ones that may seem silly and minor.
2.) I can almost hold a pencil again after last night's journaling. Seriously, when did my hand become such a weakling? And how did I ever write stuff before I had computers?
3.) I have a computer that sits on my lap and allows to me avoid folding laundry by Facebooking instead.
September 4th
1.) Got to go with B2 on his field trip to the Utah State Fair. To quickly sum up the positives--he wanted me to ride on the bus and sit by him, we had a fun group and I only had to learn 2 new names, no lines, no pestering from the kids ("Can we ride that?" "Can I have a ridiculously-overpriced hot dog?"), and overall a really fun experience.
2.) Spent the afternoon building a volcano with Dallas--one-on-one, as B2 was at a friend's house, and A and E were napping.
3.) B1 finished insulating the basement--inspection tomorrow, and then we can start the drywall!
We'll overlook me dropping a rolling pin on my toe, running late for carpool this morning, and my wicked migraine tonight. It was still an awesome day.
September 5th
1.) Friends! While I don't think I have a hard time being friendly and cordial (most of the time), I have struggled with making true attachments with others. Moves are especially hard because I always wonder which people will care enough about me to make the effort to stay in touch and which will drop out of my life. I have been blessed with amazing friends--some from high school, some from college, and some more recent.
2.) I love those words and stories that bring fond memories of loved ones, like driving around in Jiggy randomly with Leslie, or why my car is named Elton, or remembering that the Wilk has great acoustics, and so on. I know I'm not super old or anything, but I have lived a great life so far.
3.) I love all the women that remind me that it's okay to be where and who I am--we can't all be perfect mothers with pristine counters and floors, with perfectly behaved genius children, with rich husbands, and "truly accomplished" in our hobbies. And you know what? That's okay. There's plenty to enjoy in life, even without all that perfection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some days were easier than others to identify three positives. As I've been battling what I believe to be postpartum depression, I've found that sometimes there are some triggers to a depressive episode. The two worst triggers are allowing myself to lose my temper with my kids (that usually triggers a shame cycle, where I convince myself that I'm the worst mother ever, and then spend hours or sometimes longer battling the fear that they truly would be better off without me) and focusing on comparisons (Are my kids smarter than So-and-so's kids? Is my house cuter/bigger/fancier than So-and-so's house? Am I as fun/smart/pretty/hilarious/entertaining/friendly/etc as So-and-so?). But, as I was doing this challenge, I found it comforting to pull myself away from any negative thoughts, and any concerns over how I measure up, and simply focus on what was good in my life. I won't exaggerate and say that all my depression went out the window simply by stating 3 positive things on Facebook, but it did curtail it a bit, and this week has been better than some previous weeks have been. And so, let me record a few more positives.
September 6th
1.) The smile of a baby is the purest form of love. There are no judgments in my daughter's eyes--she doesn't grimace at the extra 15 pounds I'm carrying, or look down on me when I make a mistake. If she even sees the sadness that is sometimes behind my eyes, she just gives me a bigger grin than usual, to the point that I can feel the darkness recede and see the hope returning. There's just nothing like the unconditional and pure love that radiates from my daughter's face when she looks at me.
2.) There is something beautiful in everyone I have met. Some days it may be hard to see it, and some days I have to look past my own jealousy to be able to appreciate it, but I'm often amazed at the many beautiful acts I see. It may be something as simple as my neighbor behind me who is always cheerful and friendly--I doubt she's ever said an unkind thing about anyone. Then there are the friends I've made over the years, who remember my birthday, or make an effort to hang out with me, or who have served me in countless ways even when it was difficult for them. There are those I see who are struggling with all manner of physical illnesses and afflictions, yet they are optimistic they can either beat them or be happy in spite of them. I admire those who can ask for help, because I have a hard time admitting that I can't do it all on my own. I've watched neighbors plow sidewalks and driveways without being asked, watched those in my city pick up trash on the side of the road, and seen drivers in my neighborhood slow down and drive cautiously when children are out playing. These may seem like little things, but they show an unselfishness and consideration for others that I admire. So, while we are all flawed, and we all make mistakes, and sometimes we aren't the perfect examples of Christians that we know we ought to be, we are also good, wonderful people who are trying to be a little kinder, love a little more completely, and make our corner of the world a bit better, and that effort is worth recognizing and admiring.
3.) To end on a lighter note, I get to turn off my alarm tonight, and rise tomorrow morning to the sounds of my children rather than the obnoxious beeping of my alarm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 1st
1.) I've been in bed all day with a super awesome cold, and B2 fed D and A both lunch and dinner, and kept an eye on E while I did as little as possible.
2.) My mommy is still here, cancer-free, nearly 9 years after her initial breast cancer diagnosis.
3.) It's September 1st, which means it's almost my birthday! Woo hoo!
September 2nd
1.) B1 came home tonight, and has the next two days off! After a 4-day trip last week, and a two-day this week (combined with me being sick), it'll be so nice to have him home!
2.) I got to go shopping today at Costco with only two children in tow. I didn't hear on every aisle, "Can we buy these chips? Can we buy these cookies? Do we need watermelon? Can I have some gum?" This was almost me: http://www.scarymommy.com/back-school-video/
3.) I'm still on track to earn my Young Women medallion this year. I got a little sidetracked by E being born, but I look forward to joining my beautiful Young Women at the medallion dinner in February.
September 3rd
1.) Had another testament to the fact that God answers our prayers, even the ones that may seem silly and minor.
2.) I can almost hold a pencil again after last night's journaling. Seriously, when did my hand become such a weakling? And how did I ever write stuff before I had computers?
3.) I have a computer that sits on my lap and allows to me avoid folding laundry by Facebooking instead.
September 4th
1.) Got to go with B2 on his field trip to the Utah State Fair. To quickly sum up the positives--he wanted me to ride on the bus and sit by him, we had a fun group and I only had to learn 2 new names, no lines, no pestering from the kids ("Can we ride that?" "Can I have a ridiculously-overpriced hot dog?"), and overall a really fun experience.
2.) Spent the afternoon building a volcano with Dallas--one-on-one, as B2 was at a friend's house, and A and E were napping.
3.) B1 finished insulating the basement--inspection tomorrow, and then we can start the drywall!
We'll overlook me dropping a rolling pin on my toe, running late for carpool this morning, and my wicked migraine tonight. It was still an awesome day.
September 5th
1.) Friends! While I don't think I have a hard time being friendly and cordial (most of the time), I have struggled with making true attachments with others. Moves are especially hard because I always wonder which people will care enough about me to make the effort to stay in touch and which will drop out of my life. I have been blessed with amazing friends--some from high school, some from college, and some more recent.
2.) I love those words and stories that bring fond memories of loved ones, like driving around in Jiggy randomly with Leslie, or why my car is named Elton, or remembering that the Wilk has great acoustics, and so on. I know I'm not super old or anything, but I have lived a great life so far.
3.) I love all the women that remind me that it's okay to be where and who I am--we can't all be perfect mothers with pristine counters and floors, with perfectly behaved genius children, with rich husbands, and "truly accomplished" in our hobbies. And you know what? That's okay. There's plenty to enjoy in life, even without all that perfection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some days were easier than others to identify three positives. As I've been battling what I believe to be postpartum depression, I've found that sometimes there are some triggers to a depressive episode. The two worst triggers are allowing myself to lose my temper with my kids (that usually triggers a shame cycle, where I convince myself that I'm the worst mother ever, and then spend hours or sometimes longer battling the fear that they truly would be better off without me) and focusing on comparisons (Are my kids smarter than So-and-so's kids? Is my house cuter/bigger/fancier than So-and-so's house? Am I as fun/smart/pretty/hilarious/entertaining/friendly/etc as So-and-so?). But, as I was doing this challenge, I found it comforting to pull myself away from any negative thoughts, and any concerns over how I measure up, and simply focus on what was good in my life. I won't exaggerate and say that all my depression went out the window simply by stating 3 positive things on Facebook, but it did curtail it a bit, and this week has been better than some previous weeks have been. And so, let me record a few more positives.
September 6th
1.) The smile of a baby is the purest form of love. There are no judgments in my daughter's eyes--she doesn't grimace at the extra 15 pounds I'm carrying, or look down on me when I make a mistake. If she even sees the sadness that is sometimes behind my eyes, she just gives me a bigger grin than usual, to the point that I can feel the darkness recede and see the hope returning. There's just nothing like the unconditional and pure love that radiates from my daughter's face when she looks at me.
2.) There is something beautiful in everyone I have met. Some days it may be hard to see it, and some days I have to look past my own jealousy to be able to appreciate it, but I'm often amazed at the many beautiful acts I see. It may be something as simple as my neighbor behind me who is always cheerful and friendly--I doubt she's ever said an unkind thing about anyone. Then there are the friends I've made over the years, who remember my birthday, or make an effort to hang out with me, or who have served me in countless ways even when it was difficult for them. There are those I see who are struggling with all manner of physical illnesses and afflictions, yet they are optimistic they can either beat them or be happy in spite of them. I admire those who can ask for help, because I have a hard time admitting that I can't do it all on my own. I've watched neighbors plow sidewalks and driveways without being asked, watched those in my city pick up trash on the side of the road, and seen drivers in my neighborhood slow down and drive cautiously when children are out playing. These may seem like little things, but they show an unselfishness and consideration for others that I admire. So, while we are all flawed, and we all make mistakes, and sometimes we aren't the perfect examples of Christians that we know we ought to be, we are also good, wonderful people who are trying to be a little kinder, love a little more completely, and make our corner of the world a bit better, and that effort is worth recognizing and admiring.
3.) To end on a lighter note, I get to turn off my alarm tonight, and rise tomorrow morning to the sounds of my children rather than the obnoxious beeping of my alarm.
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