Positive Thinking

I was challenged on Facebook by my mom to write 3 positives per day for 5 days. I completed it, and I wanted to record it here as well.

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September 1st
1.) I've been in bed all day with a super awesome cold, and B2 fed D and A both lunch and dinner, and kept an eye on E while I did as little as possible.
2.) My mommy is still here, cancer-free, nearly 9 years after her initial breast cancer diagnosis.
3.) It's September 1st, which means it's almost my birthday! Woo hoo!

September 2nd
1.) B1 came home tonight, and has the next two days off! After a 4-day trip last week, and a two-day this week (combined with me being sick), it'll be so nice to have him home!
2.) I got to go shopping today at Costco with only two children in tow. I didn't hear on every aisle, "Can we buy these chips? Can we buy these cookies? Do we need watermelon? Can I have some gum?" This was almost me: http://www.scarymommy.com/back-school-video/
3.) I'm still on track to earn my Young Women medallion this year. I got a little sidetracked by E being born, but I look forward to joining my beautiful Young Women at the medallion dinner in February.

September 3rd
1.) Had another testament to the fact that God answers our prayers, even the ones that may seem silly and minor.
2.) I can almost hold a pencil again after last night's journaling. Seriously, when did my hand become such a weakling? And how did I ever write stuff before I had computers?
3.) I have a computer that sits on my lap and allows to me avoid folding laundry by Facebooking instead. 

September 4th
1.) Got to go with B2 on his field trip to the Utah State Fair. To quickly sum up the positives--he wanted me to ride on the bus and sit by him, we had a fun group and I only had to learn 2 new names, no lines, no pestering from the kids ("Can we ride that?" "Can I have a ridiculously-overpriced hot dog?"), and overall a really fun experience.
2.) Spent the afternoon building a volcano with Dallas--one-on-one, as B2 was at a friend's house, and A and E were napping.
3.) B1 finished insulating the basement--inspection tomorrow, and then we can start the drywall!

We'll overlook me dropping a rolling pin on my toe, running late for carpool this morning, and my wicked migraine tonight. It was still an awesome day.

September 5th
1.) Friends! While I don't think I have a hard time being friendly and cordial (most of the time), I have struggled with making true attachments with others. Moves are especially hard because I always wonder which people will care enough about me to make the effort to stay in touch and which will drop out of my life. I have been blessed with amazing friends--some from high school, some from college, and some more recent.
2.) I love those words and stories that bring fond memories of loved ones, like driving around in Jiggy randomly with Leslie, or why my car is named Elton, or remembering that the Wilk has great acoustics, and so on. I know I'm not super old or anything, but I have lived a great life so far.
3.) I love all the women that remind me that it's okay to be where and who I am--we can't all be perfect mothers with pristine counters and floors, with perfectly behaved genius children, with rich husbands, and "truly accomplished" in our hobbies. And you know what? That's okay. There's plenty to enjoy in life, even without all that perfection.

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Some days were easier than others to identify three positives. As I've been battling what I believe to be postpartum depression, I've found that sometimes there are some triggers to a depressive episode. The two worst triggers are allowing myself to lose my temper with my kids (that usually triggers a shame cycle, where I convince myself that I'm the worst mother ever, and then spend hours or sometimes longer battling the fear that they truly would be better off without me) and focusing on comparisons (Are my kids smarter than So-and-so's kids? Is my house cuter/bigger/fancier than So-and-so's house? Am I as fun/smart/pretty/hilarious/entertaining/friendly/etc as So-and-so?). But, as I was doing this challenge, I found it comforting to pull myself away from any negative thoughts, and any concerns over how I measure up, and simply focus on what was good in my life. I won't exaggerate and say that all my depression went out the window simply by stating 3 positive things on Facebook, but it did curtail it a bit, and this week has been better than some previous weeks have been. And so, let me record a few more positives.

September 6th
1.) The smile of a baby is the purest form of love. There are no judgments in my daughter's eyes--she doesn't grimace at the extra 15 pounds I'm carrying, or look down on me when I make a mistake. If she even sees the sadness that is sometimes behind my eyes, she just gives me a bigger grin than usual, to the point that I can feel the darkness recede and see the hope returning. There's just nothing like the unconditional and pure love that radiates from my daughter's face when she looks at me.
2.) There is something beautiful in everyone I have met. Some days it may be hard to see it, and some days I have to look past my own jealousy to be able to appreciate it, but I'm often amazed at the many beautiful acts I see. It may be something as simple as my neighbor behind me who is always cheerful and friendly--I doubt she's ever said an unkind thing about anyone. Then there are the friends I've made over the years, who remember my birthday, or make an effort to hang out with me, or who have served me in countless ways even when it was difficult for them. There are those I see who are struggling with all manner of physical illnesses and afflictions, yet they are optimistic they can either beat them or be happy in spite of them. I admire those who can ask for help, because I have a hard time admitting that I can't do it all on my own. I've watched neighbors plow sidewalks and driveways without being asked, watched those in my city pick up trash on the side of the road, and seen drivers in my neighborhood slow down and drive cautiously when children are out playing. These may seem like little things, but they show an unselfishness and consideration for others that I admire. So, while we are all flawed, and we all make mistakes, and sometimes we aren't the perfect examples of Christians that we know we ought to be, we are also good, wonderful people who are trying to be a little kinder, love a little more completely, and make our corner of the world a bit better, and that effort is worth recognizing and admiring.
3.) To end on a lighter note, I get to turn off my alarm tonight, and rise tomorrow morning to the sounds of my children rather than the obnoxious beeping of my alarm.

Funny Things D Says

"See that [Wii] game? It's called 'Punch Out.' Me and my brother play it all the time. It reminds us to punch out each other."

Facebook status turned blog post

"When in situations of stress we wonder if there is any more in us to give, we can be comforted to know that God, who knows our capacity perfectly, placed us here to succeed. No one was foreordained to fail or to be wicked. When we have been weighed and found wanting, let us remember that we were measured before and we were found equal to our tasks..." -- Neal A Maxwell [source]

I shared this devotional on Facebook few days ago, but I was listening to it again tonight, and this part really hit me. Sometimes I get really down on myself, thinking about all the awful things I do, the mistakes I've made, and the many things "everyone" does better than me. Some days all I can see are the negatives in myself, and I wonder why my husband still loves me, and why my kids can still smile when they see me, thinking that if they just saw the ugliness that I saw, they'd go running.

I post this not to garner sympathy, or to be fishing for compliments or reassurances that I'm not the awful person I sometimes see in the mirror. I post this for two reasons: first, to let others know who may be experiences similar feelings that you are not alone; and second, to remind us all that we were placed us here to succeed! Our Heavenly Father is giving us tasks, and challenges, and trials that He knows we are able to overcome. He knows our capacity; he knows our strengths, and our weaknesses, and what will help us grow. He does not give us challenges that will cripple us (spiritually speaking) -- He gives us challenges that will elevate us to great heights. And when you feel that you have been weighed and found wanting, do not be discouraged. It's not just you. You're not the only one who feels this way! You are not alone!

To borrow a few more words from another wise fellow, Jeffrey R Holland:

"The next time you are tempted to paint your self-portrait dismal gray, highlighted with lackluster beige, just remember that in like manner have this kingdom’s most splendid men and women been tempted. I say to you as Joshua said to the tribes of Israel as they faced one of their most difficult tasks, 'Sanctify yourselves: for tomorrow the Lord will do wonders among you' (Joshua 3:5)" [source; seriously, go read this whole speech. And then read it again. And again.]

Have faith. You are up to this. You can tackle this. You are equal to this. Put your faith in God, and watch the wonders occur around you. Don't believe me?

"If your faith is a little tested in this or any season, I invite you to lean on mine... Hope on. Journey on...

[A]ll things are possible to them that believe." [source; yeah, read this one too]

That awkward moment

You know that awkward moment, when you're trying to be an awesome person by taking fresh, homemade cookies to your next door neighbor, only to have your daughter spit up, projectile-style, all over you and the neighbor's doormat and porch just as they open the door to receive said cookies? You know that moment?

No?

Well, I do.

It was awesome. If, by awesome, I mean totally not awesome.

By the way, I have the best neighbors who can kindly laugh when their neighbor barfs all over their doorstep, and then clean it up because my hose won't reach that far.

I think I'm going to go bury my head in the sand for a while.

Funny conversations

B2 was holding E while I worked in the kitchen, and she made a pooping noise.

B2: "E tooted!"
D: "Does that mean you're warm?"

Ew...

Spring break!

Last week was spring break for the boys, and B1 was able to take the week off work as well. So, we loaded up the van, and drove to California! At least once a week, at least one boy will ask to go to California. I'm not sure if it's the fact that it's warm, or that they get to see Grandma and Grandpa, or that they get to swim in Grandma and Grandpa's pool, but they are always up for the trip.

We drove down Friday afternoon and got there after midnight. A had a rough last few hours--he fell asleep in his car seat, but every hour or so would wake up and cry for about 5 minutes before going back to sleep. When we arrived and unloaded him, he became completely irrational. I think he feared we were leaving him in a strange house, because he would start screaming the second we put him down until we picked him up again. He ended up sleeping with B1 and I that night--it was the only way he could be comforted enough to fall back asleep. Other than that, our trip was rather uneventful--there was very minimal fighting with the kids, and we made pretty good time (I pumped while B1 drove so that we could feed E via bottles, minimizing our stops).

Saturday and Sunday we watched General Conference (well, the adults tried to watch while the kids ran around like crazy people). I will admit that I completely slept through the afternoon session on Saturday--I was just too tired from our long drive the night before. On Saturday, B1 also helped my dad install a drip irrigation system to my dad's new garden. While it's cool that he's finally able to plant a garden, it was still sad seeing my dog's old home without him there. And somehow A knew a dog was supposed to be in the backyard, because the first thing he said when he looked out there was "Doggy?" Maybe Scooter still visits and A's innocent eyes were able to see him. Anyway, starting from Saturday morning, the boys kept begging to go swimming, even though my dad's pool was only about 65* and it was only in the high 70s outside. Much too cold for my old self to get in the pool. In fact, we didn't even pack swimsuits because I knew the pool would be too cold.

On Monday the older 2 boys went to play at Aunt K's house with their cousin O. It wasn't long before they had jumped in the pool, clothes and all. They had so much fun playing with their cousin this week, and we are all so excited that they are moving to Utah this summer!

Battle wound from the spinal tap

On Tuesday, B1 woke me up around 4:00 a.m. with some bad news--E was running a fever. He had been up with her for several hours, with her fever fluctuating between low-grade and fairly high. By 4:00 a.m. though, she was also starting to breathe fairly quickly--roughly one breath every second--and very shallow. We were worried, and so we called the nurse hotline through our insurance company. The nurse recommended we take her in to the ER, so we got dressed and drove her to the ER. Her fever was 101.2*, and given her age the doctor recommended a series of tests that included several blood tests, a urine test, a flu/RSV test using a nasal swab, and a test done from her stool sample (she so kindly pooped on the bed for them). After the ER doctor consulted with our pediatrician, she also recommended a spinal tap to run cultures on her spinal fluid--these cultures would help rule out meningitis. As you all know, I don't do well with needles. The last time I saw a needle inserted in my skin (I was giving blood at the time), I nearly passed out. I turned all white and several technicians came over, worried about me. So, when the nurses were putting in IV lines and taking blood samples, I had to sit down and B1 stood next to E. Poor girl. The spinal tap got to both of us though--I couldn't watch, and I just sat and wiped tears as I worried about my poor girl and how miserable she must be feeling right now, between being sick and having everyone poking her. They also gave her some Tylenol, and shortly afterward her fever broke.

All the tests (blood, urine, flu, RSV) came back negative, but it would take 48 hours to allow the culture tests from the spinal fluid to work. The doctor wanted to admit E during this time so they could keep an eye on her, and to administer antibiotics in case it was meningitis. Unfortunately, this hospital (which was only about 10 minutes from my parents' home) didn't have a pediatric unit, so she was transferred to a hospital in Tarzana, about 35 minutes away (without traffic). My brother was amazing and came by to help B1 give E a blessing before they left. At this point, it's after 10:00 a.m. B1 went with E in the ambulance to Tarzana while I went home, took the fastest shower of my life, and loaded up the necessities: clothes for E, PJs so I could stay overnight in the hospital, toothbrush, etc. I drove down to the hospital, pull in, and see a turnstile so I can pay to park in the hospital parking lot. Yep, no free parking. I felt like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz -- "I'm not in Utah anymore!" No only are we going to be paying a fortune to have my daughter in the hospital for the next 2+ days, but we are also going to pay to park as well.

E was held in the PICU ward, though we were told later that she was only there because the pediatric unit was full, and not because she needed PICU care. That was reassuring. We were also told that she would be held at least 48 hours--if her fever returned, or her pulse rate went abnormal, or her blood oxygen level dropped too low, or the cultures came back with negative results, she would be there longer. We all prayed (along with many others--thank you!!) that she would be fine so we could get back to our vacation. B1 and I took turns being with her--I stayed with her most of Tuesday and Tuesday night, and B1 stayed with her most of the day on Wednesday (I came back during the night). But, she did great--her fever never returned, and all her levels and tests were normal. We were thrilled when the doctor said she would be discharged Thursday morning.

When we got home from the hospital, we took the family out for lunch (Cafe Rio, yum!) and my mom showed us a park with some adorable ducks. There were even baby ducklings swimming around, and a few turtles! We ate while we watched the ducks swim and eat. One of the things I miss about working in the CP office is driving past the duck ponds every day and watching for the new little ducklings each spring. Baby ducklings are some of the cutest animals ever.

On Friday, we went to Griffith Park. B1 came with us as we went to their train museum--they had tons of old train cars that you could walk through, plus a museum and a train ride. My mom also had a celebrity spotting -- Walton Goggins. She kept trying to catch him in a photo bomb. I'm not sure if she ever got a decent picture of him to prove that she saw him. We were there for an hour and a half and didn't even see half of the train stuff, but we couldn't stay--B1 was meeting my dad at the pony rides to go golfing. While he did that, B2, D, and A rode on the ponies. B2's first time was on a bigger horse that went fast, and I think the bouncing hurt his back a little--he didn't want to ride again for a while. D had to sit out the first ride as a punishment for some bad behavior earlier that day. A went on a slow pony that walked the whole time. He loved it on the first lap, but during the second lap the pony just stopped for a while, and A got scared that he had been left. He wouldn't go on a pony again for the rest of the day. B2 went on one more ride on the medium speed ponies (smaller, and they trot a little on the first lap and walk the second lap), and D ended up doing two more rides on the medium ponies.

Our initial plan had been to come home on Saturday, but with E spending two days in the hospital, we stayed one last day to BBQ with my parents and see my brother and sister-in-law before we left. Saturday was a relaxing day at home. We then woke up Sunday morning at 2:30 a.m. CA time, loaded the kids up, and drove home. Despite some car troubles, we made it home before 4:00 p.m. Utah time. It was great waking up early like that -- the kids didn't even wake up until we were in Vegas, so it greatly minimized the number of times we were asked "Are we there yet?" and "How much longer?" We would have been home even sooner if D and B2 hadn't needed to pee every 20 minutes between Cedar City and Nephi. :)

This final picture isn't from spring break, but I had to share--I painted E's toenails for the first time after we got back. B1 had a hard time with it--he feels like it's a short jump from painted nails to make-up and then boys, and he feels like she's growing up too fast. She's only 2 months old and he's already worried about her teen years. :)

Interesting conversation

D was playing Donkey Kong on the Wii. There's a tool where you can select to have the level beat for you by the computer. You become a gray Donkey Kong, and he passes all the obstacles. This is quite appealing to D, as much of this game is still beyond his playing abilities. D has named this gray Donkey Kong "Super Guy." D and B2 had the following conversation today about Super Guy:

D: "I love him."
B2: "Do you want to marry him?"
D: "No."
B2: "Then why do you love him?"
D: "Because he does everything for me."

I sure hope D gets a more mature view of love eventually, or his future wife is in trouble. :)